Hello? - Thoughts from my first Thanksgiving in Nebraska

I sit here typing. The sounds of the beginning scene of Adele's music video for her song "Hello" play behind this current blog window. Today was Thanksgiving. My first Thanksgiving away from my family. This was definitely a defining day.

8 am

Woke up

Grabbed supplies (blanket, socks, computer, phone)

Went to the basement to watch the 89th Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

10 am

Went upstairs to eat some of the breakfast I had packed last night for the dorms

Bagel, Vegetables cream cheese (now my favorite type of cream cheese), orange juice, two pastries, golden grahams cereal, almond milk (yes it was ALOT!)

Still watching the parade

11 am

Talked to Keanna (other half of Blue & Kay-find us on facebook!)

Called RoSeth (my sister and her fiancee's couple name isn't it cute?)

Bounced on a Pilates ball

12 pm

Borrowed two knives (two of the sharpest the dorm could offer-thanks to Jessica!)

Cracked open a coconut

1 pm

Still working on cracking open that coconut

Made keleguin with that young coconut

Thanks Mommy for the recipe!

Got ready to walk in the freezing rain

2 pm

Arrived at a friend's house for Thanksgiving Meal 

Ate

This is the keleguin! All it was missing was some red rice and turkey. 

3 pm

Still eating

4 pm

Watching Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving

Played a bit of Taboo

5 pm  Lazed about on the couch with these lovelies!

6 pm

More lazing and instagramming and pinteresting and facebooking

7 pm

Games and socialization with more students here during break

8 pm

Awkward arguments

Finally played an almost-complete game of Monopoly (Right that never happens!)

It was getting too real so we ended it

9 pm

Walk back to the dorm 

Trying not to slip on the newly fallen dusting of snow

Realizing this was the first time I'd seen snow on Thanksgiving

End of story. Nebraska is very different from Virginia. In good ways and bad. I miss the east coast so much and my friends back there. But its time for me to adult. Not that "adulting" is leaving one's home, but for me that is "adulting." A temporary separation from all I've ever known is what I need. A step back from everything. Its time to chase after a different dream. A dream that I have chosen for myself and one that I know I can achieve. 

Thank you Virginia for the memories. Nebraska thanks for the cold welcome, but welcome nonetheless.

This day on that day...a flashback to Hamlet

Every so often I write in this journal that I started in 2009. 
Its not my first journal. I've been keeping one since my preteen years. However, this is probably the largets one to date spanning over six years and two months as of ten days ago!
I enjoy looking back on my memories and laughing at my naivete or wandering at my creativity and enjoying the little nuances of the penned actions. Below is a poem I wrote after watching an adaptation of the play Hamlet starring David Tennant (otherwise known as the Doctor on Doctor Who---oooo weeee ooooo!)

October 2010

Me thinks I scent the morning air
Afar, aloft the night
And bending o'er her sepulchered lair
In thieving circles tight
She tastes the breath and licks the tomb
In which my father lays
Then with her curling talons, sharp
Doth blighter him away
Alas I've lost my last dear friend
Afar I've felt the woe
Of heaven's angels crying tears
For sinners here below
Upon this earth we wander here
With several, little cares
Yet little do we think of death
And all its steamy airs
For she will come to steal us all
To blighter us away
And it may happen in a breath
Or second of the day
Beware this tale of recompense
Beware this tale I sow
For methinks I scent the morning air
A walking to and fro

--inspired by a line in the play Hamlet by you know who SHAKESPEARE

Way I Tend to Be or Not to Be?-Thoughts on a Tuesday

The Way I Tend to Be-Frank Turner (above video/song)

This describes the way I'm feeling right now.

Sitting here in my dorm room after two non-stop hours of finishing some Anatomy and Physiology homework that is not due for a week, cleaning my room, after finishing folding laundry that was washed on Friday, contemplating whether or not to exercise a bit at this evening hour.

I sit here thinking of the monotonous act of school, work, and homework. I sit here thinking back to when my bedroom was my sanctuary and how I would spend hours cleaning, reorganizing, watching movies, reading books, exercising, and taking part in hours long phone conversations in that precious space. I feel a bit as if I've hit the rewind button on my life and I'm back to that teenage girl who was hoarding up her adventures for the day when she would be ready to step outside into the big, bad world and live her dream. I feel as if I'm a battery recharging.

In a way I am disappointed in myself. In a way I feel trapped.

In a way I am proud of myself. In a way I am content.

Its back and forth.

However, right now the meter points more to the content side of things.

Whatever comes next on this journey I will do my best to treasure this stillness. This actively less busy life. I am a student now. Learning by absorbing and passing on information given to me. In time, I will use that information in my future career (fingers crossed) and I will be all the better student for studying other random bits of information that may seem completely unrelated (yeah).

Who knows? Perhaps this is a great time to practice my skills that I so quickly laid aside for "money making jobs." Videos, music, dance, and writing *wink, wink*. Maybe its time to go back to the basics. To what I enjoy.

For a while I've thought that in order to be a successful adult I must "buckle down" and get a "normal job." Yet, as I am on the brink of becoming that "normal adult" I am realizing how trapped I am feeling. I would rather do what I enjoy than be stable in a profession I dreaded to wake up to.

I am choosing this. 

The way I tend to be. I am letting my passions lead me. For I believe God has given us the desires of our heart for a reason. To honor Him. I am going to focus on trusting that He will make a way---NO--that He already has a way made for me to do what I love and am good at in a way that will help others and uplift His holy name.

No Worries! Yeah Right...

I am faithing.
No I am worrying!
Panicking even!

Why?

Bank issues...

I hate seeing numbers.
Red is probably the most hated color EVER!!!!!

As of now, I have 2 bank accounts.

Get ready for a rant.

Nebraska has no Bank of America.
And I did not even check before coming here!!!!! BLAHHGGG!

Then I went ahead and opened another account just like that.

At a bank that Virginia doesn't have!!!!!!!


What on earth was I thinking!?!!?!!!

Moving too fast girl. Moving too fast!

Now I've got to either close one, or keep them both up with monies. Monies I DON'T HAVE!

No worries girl. Faithing,

Sometimes though, you get yourself into trouble by not consulting the wisdom of others...

HELP!

I'm so mad at myself right now.
Bad Bluann! What were you thinking?

It will be alright. Yes. I know. But right now I'm really angry. Let me just embrace this emotion and then move on.

<THE END>

An Open Letter to God on a SUNDAY in Octubre

Some days you just feel lost.

Some days you feel so numb no emotion can get to you.
Some days you could care less and would rather be a shell at the bottom of the ocean than the human begin you are walking, working, welding energy.

This is how I feel at this moment. Lost.

No matter that I have spent a meaningful weekend out in nature.

No matter that I have friends who seem to enjoy spending time with me.
No matter that this semester is halfway to completion.
No matter that the blessings keep pouring down.

Today I feel as useless as a throw pillow.

Staring at my room of disorganized items, I feel as displaced as a sweaty shoe or a musty towel.
I feel as replaceable as the trash bag liner that is currently holding an abundance of wasting away organic/inorganic materials.
And these words are nothing in comparison to the millions in this big bad world.

What if I quit?

What if I go on?
What if I live how I want to?

How do I want to live?

Prayers seem empty and meaningless.
Words over and over and over again to the open space I call God.

Perhaps the problem is me and I'm doing something wrong.
How can I fix it?
How do I change?
How do I find the meaning again?

I have lost it.

Give it back to me.

Big. Eternal. Open. Humble.
These things You are.
These things I think you are.

Pretty. Beautiful. Eloquent in speech.
These things I think You are.

I miss You.

I miss my vision of You.

In truth You continue to change in my view.
Everyday formed and reforming.
You get bigger and bigger.
And I get smaller and more confused.

The more I try to find You, I do. Never in the way I would expect.
I love it.

Keep surprising me.
My my mind ever be open to surprises.
May I never be limited in expectations of Your wonder.

May I continue to wonder as I wander.
Never from Your fold.
Yet if I am lost.
Help me find my way back to Your path.

Help me. For I am lost and wandering.

"Faithing"

God provides.

About a month ago I was wondering whether I would have enough funds to continue college. This is when I decided. To give it ALL to Him! I would no longer worry over finances. Although with my first payment my bank account was cleared out-cobwebs of pennies included-I knew He would give my enough because it was His will that I be here.

During that first week, spent on my knees laying myself down in front of His presence, I heard this song and it was my answer.

"I will stay!"

"Who lifts the poor and heals the blind? Who trampled death for all mankind? Who stands for all with arms stretched wide? My king forever, Jesus Christ."

• Quarters appearing for laundry
• Money prize won in a Karaoke contest
• A check from a generous church member

This is how awesome my God is! He not only cares for the poor and the dying but also the needs of a college student. My God is an Awesome God!

No matter what my plans are, His are always greater. I am so grateful we are not able to see the future. Because we would have too many problems as humans trying to make our own way possible. We do that enough now with our blind eyes! God's will be done. That is the best way.

Speaking with a new friend Thursday night, I shared my story and my "faithing."
I don't know where the next payment is coming from. I am not secure in my own right. Yet, I am secure knowing He's got me. And if He's got me then of course that is where I should want to be! His security means more than this world.

Faithing. It means doing. It means trusting. It means believing. It means showing and telling your story. It is not feebleness. It is not hiding. It is not fear.

Stay and wait.

Pray in confidence. Pray without ceasing. For He will provide your daily needs. Daily needs. So focus on what God is doing for you today. Don't worry about tomorrow. He's got you.

Saturday morning ramblings

It is well. For through it all, through it all my eyes are on you. And through it all, through it all it is well with me.

This song. This life. This God.
Sitting here on a sleeping bag in an unfamiliar dorm room, sleeping stranger in a bed next to me.
Tan colored light begins to turn yellow through closed blinds to my left.
Nothing is a coincidence.
An hour of change causes a week of difference.
Mourning these past days with a smiling face.
Hearing of how we must get past these four walls and the reason we are stagnate is because we are closed in. We are trapped.
Passive. Complacent. Boring. Words I hate yet I am sometimes.
I must not be content with who I am at this moment for I can be better.
Yet I must rest in knowing that He will change me if I let Him into my heart.
One song heard two times thus far speaking of how much our father loves us.
The first, a last minute performance at an open mic, the second, during a concert.
Listen He says. Or is that my voice?
Trying to decipher whose is whose and of course crush the third.
For He is great and is coming soon but who knows this?
Am I sharing? Am I caring? Will this place help me grow or shrink?
Should I stay or should I go?
Questions tire me I am ready to serve. Here I am Lord send me.
Send me where?
Anywhere I cry in desperation. Just let me do something. I need to move.
You are moving.
In circles I feel like.
But those circles wander in and out so they are more like spirals. And in those spirals you cover ground. Maybe more than once or twice but you do my work.
You help me do mine. You give me my wants. You cover my mistakes. Two times already in the past two days you've done this.
I do not deserve Your grace.
Nothing is a coincidence. No such thing as luck.
I believe.
Lord take me, send me, but a more painful prayer is Lord keep me where I am.
If that is what you want...
No more dots
Thy will be done in all things
COME LORD JESUS