Thursday, November 26, 2015

Hello? - Thoughts from my first Thanksgiving in Nebraska


I sit here typing. The sounds of the beginning scene of Adele's music video for her song "Hello" play behind this current blog window. Today was Thanksgiving. My first Thanksgiving away from my family. This was definitely a defining day.

8 am
Woke up
Grabbed supplies (blanket, socks, computer, phone)
Went to the basement to watch the 89th Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

10 am
Went upstairs to eat some of the breakfast I had packed last night for the dorms
Bagel, Vegetables cream cheese (now my favorite type of cream cheese), orange juice, two pastries, golden grahams cereal, almond milk (yes it was ALOT!)
Still watching the parade

11 am
Talked to Keanna (other half of Blue & Kay-find us on facebook!)
Called RoSeth (my sister and her fiancee's couple name isn't it cute?)
Bounced on a Pilates ball

12 pm
Borrowed two knives (two of the sharpest the dorm could offer-thanks to Jessica!)
Cracked open a coconut

1 pm
Still working on cracking open that coconut
Made keleguin with that young coconut
Thanks Mommy for the recipe!
Got ready to walk in the freezing rain

2 pm
Arrived at a friend's house for Thanksgiving Meal 
Ate
This is the keleguin! All it was missing was some red rice and turkey. 

3 pm
Still eating

4 pm
Watching Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving
Played a bit of Taboo



5 pm  Lazed about on the couch with these lovelies!


6 pm
More lazing and instagramming and pinteresting and facebooking

7 pm
Games and socialization with more students here during break

8 pm
Awkward arguments
Finally played an almost-complete game of Monopoly (Right that never happens!)
It was getting too real so we ended it

9 pm
Walk back to the dorm 
Trying not to slip on the newly fallen dusting of snow
Realizing this was the first time I'd seen snow on Thanksgiving

End of story. Nebraska is very different from Virginia. In good ways and bad. I miss the east coast so much and my friends back there. But its time for me to adult. Not that "adulting" is leaving one's home, but for me that is "adulting." A temporary separation from all I've ever known is what I need. A step back from everything. Its time to chase after a different dream. A dream that I have chosen for myself and one that I know I can achieve. 

Thank you Virginia for the memories. Nebraska thanks for the cold welcome, but welcome nonetheless.



Tuesday, October 27, 2015

This day on that day...a flashback to Hamlet

Every so often I write in this journal that I started in 2009. 
Its not my first journal. I've been keeping one since my preteen years. However, this is probably the largets one to date spanning over six years and two months as of ten days ago!
I enjoy looking back on my memories and laughing at my naivete or wandering at my creativity and enjoying the little nuances of the penned actions. Below is a poem I wrote after watching an adaptation of the play Hamlet starring David Tennant (otherwise known as the Doctor on Doctor Who---oooo weeee ooooo!)

October 2010


Me thinks I scent the morning air
Afar, aloft the night
And bending o'er her sepulchered lair
In thieving circles tight
She tastes the breath and licks the tomb
In which my father lays
Then with her curling talons, sharp
Doth blighter him away
Alas I've lost my last dear friend
Afar I've felt the woe
Of heaven's angels crying tears
For sinners here below
Upon this earth we wander here
With several, little cares
Yet little do we think of death
And all its steamy airs
For she will come to steal us all
To blighter us away
And it may happen in a breath
Or second of the day
Beware this tale of recompense
Beware this tale I sow
For methinks I scent the morning air
A walking to and fro


--inspired by a line in the play Hamlet by you know who SHAKESPEARE

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Way I Tend to Be or Not to Be?-Thoughts on a Tuesday



The Way I Tend to Be-Frank Turner (above video/song)


This describes the way I'm feeling right now.


Sitting here in my dorm room after two non-stop hours of finishing some Anatomy and Physiology homework that is not due for a week, cleaning my room, after finishing folding laundry that was washed on Friday, contemplating whether or not to exercise a bit at this evening hour.

I sit here thinking of the monotonous act of school, work, and homework. I sit here thinking back to when my bedroom was my sanctuary and how I would spend hours cleaning, reorganizing, watching movies, reading books, exercising, and taking part in hours long phone conversations in that precious space. I feel a bit as if I've hit the rewind button on my life and I'm back to that teenage girl who was hoarding up her adventures for the day when she would be ready to step outside into the big, bad world and live her dream. I feel as if I'm a battery recharging.

In a way I am disappointed in myself. In a way I feel trapped.


In a way I am proud of myself. In a way I am content.

Its back and forth.

However, right now the meter points more to the content side of things.

Whatever comes next on this journey I will do my best to treasure this stillness. This actively less busy life. I am a student now. Learning by absorbing and passing on information given to me. In time, I will use that information in my future career (fingers crossed) and I will be all the better student for studying other random bits of information that may seem completely unrelated (yeah).

Who knows? Perhaps this is a great time to practice my skills that I so quickly laid aside for "money making jobs." Videos, music, dance, and writing *wink, wink*. Maybe its time to go back to the basics. To what I enjoy.

For a while I've thought that in order to be a successful adult I must "buckle down" and get a "normal job." Yet, as I am on the brink of becoming that "normal adult" I am realizing how trapped I am feeling. I would rather do what I enjoy than be stable in a profession I dreaded to wake up to.

I am choosing this. 

The way I tend to be. I am letting my passions lead me. For I believe God has given us the desires of our heart for a reason. To honor Him. I am going to focus on trusting that He will make a way---NO--that He already has a way made for me to do what I love and am good at in a way that will help others and uplift His holy name.


Sunday, October 18, 2015

No Worries! Yeah Right...

I am faithing.
No I am worrying!
Panicking even!

Why?

Bank issues...

I hate seeing numbers.
Red is probably the most hated color EVER!!!!!

As of now, I have 2 bank accounts.

Get ready for a rant.

Nebraska has no Bank of America.
And I did not even check before coming here!!!!! BLAHHGGG!

Then I went ahead and opened another account just like that.

At a bank that Virginia doesn't have!!!!!!!


What on earth was I thinking!?!!?!!!

Moving too fast girl. Moving too fast!

Now I've got to either close one, or keep them both up with monies. Monies I DON'T HAVE!

No worries girl. Faithing,

Sometimes though, you get yourself into trouble by not consulting the wisdom of others...

HELP!

I'm so mad at myself right now.
Bad Bluann! What were you thinking?

It will be alright. Yes. I know. But right now I'm really angry. Let me just embrace this emotion and then move on.

<THE END>

Sunday, October 11, 2015

An Open Letter to God on a SUNDAY in Octubre

Some days you just feel lost.

Some days you feel so numb no emotion can get to you.
Some days you could care less and would rather be a shell at the bottom of the ocean than the human begin you are walking, working, welding energy.

This is how I feel at this moment. Lost.






No matter that I have spent a meaningful weekend out in nature.

No matter that I have friends who seem to enjoy spending time with me.
No matter that this semester is halfway to completion.
No matter that the blessings keep pouring down.

Today I feel as useless as a throw pillow.


Staring at my room of disorganized items, I feel as displaced as a sweaty shoe or a musty towel.
I feel as replaceable as the trash bag liner that is currently holding an abundance of wasting away organic/inorganic materials.
And these words are nothing in comparison to the millions in this big bad world.

What if I quit?

What if I go on?
What if I live how I want to?

How do I want to live?

Prayers seem empty and meaningless.
Words over and over and over again to the open space I call God.

Perhaps the problem is me and I'm doing something wrong.
How can I fix it?
How do I change?
How do I find the meaning again?

I have lost it.


Give it back to me.

Big. Eternal. Open. Humble.
These things You are.
These things I think you are.

Pretty. Beautiful. Eloquent in speech.
These things I think You are.

I miss You.

I miss my vision of You.

In truth You continue to change in my view.
Everyday formed and reforming.
You get bigger and bigger.
And I get smaller and more confused.

The more I try to find You, I do. Never in the way I would expect.
I love it.

Keep surprising me.
My my mind ever be open to surprises.
May I never be limited in expectations of Your wonder.

May I continue to wonder as I wander.
Never from Your fold.
Yet if I am lost.
Help me find my way back to Your path.

Help me. For I am lost and wandering.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

"Faithing"




God provides.

About a month ago I was wondering whether I would have enough funds to continue college. This is when I decided. To give it ALL to Him! I would no longer worry over finances. Although with my first payment my bank account was cleared out-cobwebs of pennies included-I knew He would give my enough because it was His will that I be here.

During that first week, spent on my knees laying myself down in front of His presence, I heard this song and it was my answer.

"I will stay!"

"Who lifts the poor and heals the blind? Who trampled death for all mankind? Who stands for all with arms stretched wide? My king forever, Jesus Christ."


  • Quarters appearing for laundry
  • Money prize won in a Karaoke contest
  • A check from a generous church member


This is how awesome my God is! He not only cares for the poor and the dying but also the needs of a college student. My God is an Awesome God!

No matter what my plans are, His are always greater. I am so grateful we are not able to see the future. Because we would have too many problems as humans trying to make our own way possible. We do that enough now with our blind eyes! God's will be done. That is the best way.

Speaking with a new friend Thursday night, I shared my story and my "faithing."
I don't know where the next payment is coming from. I am not secure in my own right. Yet, I am secure knowing He's got me. And if He's got me then of course that is where I should want to be! His security means more than this world.

Faithing. It means doing. It means trusting. It means believing. It means showing and telling your story. It is not feebleness. It is not hiding. It is not fear.

Stay and wait.

Pray in confidence. Pray without ceasing. For He will provide your daily needs. Daily needs. So focus on what God is doing for you today. Don't worry about tomorrow. He's got you.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Saturday morning ramblings

It is well. For through it all, through it all my eyes are on you. And through it all, through it all it is well with me.


This song. This life. This God.
Sitting here on a sleeping bag in an unfamiliar dorm room, sleeping stranger in a bed next to me.
Tan colored light begins to turn yellow through closed blinds to my left.
Nothing is a coincidence.
An hour of change causes a week of difference.
Mourning these past days with a smiling face.
Hearing of how we must get past these four walls and the reason we are stagnate is because we are closed in. We are trapped.
Passive. Complacent. Boring. Words I hate yet I am sometimes.
I must not be content with who I am at this moment for I can be better.
Yet I must rest in knowing that He will change me if I let Him into my heart.
One song heard two times thus far speaking of how much our father loves us.
The first, a last minute performance at an open mic, the second, during a concert.
Listen He says. Or is that my voice?
Trying to decipher whose is whose and of course crush the third.
For He is great and is coming soon but who knows this?
Am I sharing? Am I caring? Will this place help me grow or shrink?
Should I stay or should I go?
Questions tire me I am ready to serve. Here I am Lord send me.
Send me where?
Anywhere I cry in desperation. Just let me do something. I need to move.
You are moving.
In circles I feel like.
But those circles wander in and out so they are more like spirals. And in those spirals you cover ground. Maybe more than once or twice but you do my work.
You help me do mine. You give me my wants. You cover my mistakes. Two times already in the past two days you've done this.
I do not deserve Your grace.
Nothing is a coincidence. No such thing as luck.
I believe.
Lord take me, send me, but a more painful prayer is Lord keep me where I am.
If that is what you want...
No more dots
Thy will be done in all things
COME LORD JESUS

Sunday, March 22, 2015

I called myself Pip

My father’s family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip.


My mother's name is Bertha Lois Ulloa Saladier, my father's name is Domingko Diofil Saladier. My mother named me from a mixture of her initials "BLU" and her mother's name "ANN" making "Bluann." This is the name that was given to me.
As a firstborn child I am sure my parents had great expectations for their offspring. Perhaps they would have no more children? Then I would be it and it had better be good. Luckily for me, I did not have the entire responsibility of being my parents' only child, three others came from them. Each one of my sisters have names given to them: Roswena, Cassilabelle, Selencia. Each name is unique as is each sister. What is in a name?


Close your eyes. Now I want you to say in a voice only you can hear. Say your name.


Tonight I watched the film "Mr. Pip." Being one of the "Recently Added" films to the Netflix collection I thought that I had better put my $7 (and some cents) to use. No regrets.

The Queen of Sheba and crabs in the sand

Now to all of you out there this film is rated PG-13 for a reason: violence, highly dramatic (traumatic themes set in war times), language etc; However, I am almost glad it is a PG-13 film because a story like this is hard to tell without a level of graphic-ness (excuse me as I make up words and use silly little dashes to make sense of it all...). I thought that this film was very well done. I enjoyed the heavy thematic score, beautiful islands scenes, and clever script based off a book which is based off real events which are drawn from an even older novel "Great Expectations. As I am a reader of many a 19th century novel, I always enjoy a good movie that portray reading as the adventure that it is. But this film proved a point that, as the official tagline goes, "Fiction can be dangerous in times of war."

SPOILER ALERT
As the only remaining white on the island, Mr. Watts is an oddity. Being seen as an educated man, he is recruited as a teacher for the island kids. Mr. Watts is no teacher, he has no child and spends his days caring for his wife who seems to be stuck in the past, a zombie for all purposes, Mr. Watts, or Popeye as they like to call him, begins to read the children "Great Expectations." One of the students, Matilda, closely relates to the hero "Pip" and imagines herself in the story right alongside him. As kids are, many imaginations run wild especially the first day when Mr. Watts tells the children he wants to introduce them to a Mr. Dickents. The next day all hands rise and the students begin asking their teacher where this other white man is and if he can give them some items on their parents wish lists. As the students continue to hear the story and learn more about this imaginary character, some parents become concerned. Pip truly becomes a being. So much so that when a militia leader arrives, the locals are asked to bring forth this "Pip." La di da di da....things happen and I don't want to spoil you all too much because I know you're still reading even though this paragraph was titled with SPOILER ALERT.

"What's it like to be white?" ask the children of their teacher Mr. Watts. "I usually only notice it when I'm surrounded by blacks." Mr. Watts replies. "What's it like being black?"



This particular point in the movie was one that made me think. And I greatly enjoy films, books, and music that makes me do just that. Think just a little bit harder about what may seem to be the most basic and simple things in life. Black and White. Or Brown. Being an "islander" myself I don't fit into black or white but both and neither. Hispanic is not really my thing either and asian is still a bit far off so I've always been on the outside of these racial cliques or in all of them. So the answer is true for me. I frequently feel "white" among "blacks" and then "black" among "whites." Its a very interesting situation I think and I like it.

Take my life.

Family is the base and footing of societies. We cannot be without families. Children are raised, communities are formed around this social clump of beings. And with the dramatic decline of a family structure so goes a great nation. A great country is not made up of strong individuals, it is made up of weak and imperfect families who realize they need more, are worth more, and are able to work towards more together as a unit.

Matilda is told in the latter part of the film that Mr. Watts was no brave man. She hastily disagrees. For what she saw of him he was always the gentleman and the last time she saw him he was the bravest man on earth. Whatever Mr. Watts was in his past life he no longer was in his new one. I think this is true of us all changed individuals. Once we go past a certain point there is no turning back. We are no longer the person we are before. We are constantly being changed and molded. We are able to chew over how our environment changes us and how circumstances leave us but life happens and we all end up different then how we predict.

Great expectations.

Yesterday I spent a good twenty minutes talking (more like listening) to two of my extended family members give advice on how life is. One snippet that has stuck to me all day today and has been repeated over and over in my mind since she said it is, "God will always put you where you need to be. I know there are places we've moved because we needed to meet certain people and everything readies you for the next step. Just know that if you're running around in circles and God needs you to be somewhere, that's where you'll end up. Sometimes He lets you take that short cut, detour, or round about adventure. He takes you left to go right. God lets us explore that side of us to get it out of our system because if we had never gone left we would have never known and it would have haunted us to eternity. God knows. He lets us explore. But if you're seeking you will find."

Mathew 6:33

Seek. Be a finder. Don't give up, never give up.


As I end this post that is a seemingly jumbled mess of a movie review, name game, and theological musing, I say my name to myself. That is one thing that no one can ever take from you. For there is no one in the world with your voice that can say your name. Bluann.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Come on and let me know...

Should I stay or should I go now?

I read an article this past week titled, "Why You Need to Fail" by Taylor Turner on a blog I follow Inside Out Magazine. Read the post and see for yourself why I liked it. It called to me because it was brutally honest. The type of honest one needs when one, who has continued to lie to oneself over and over again that "everything is fine" until everything is not fine, desperately wants and needs to hear. Also, perhaps I enjoyed this article because I could identify with it personally; especially concerning failures from last semester. One big "F"ailure comes to mind, concerning a certain class which led to a last minute decision to cancel all classes for my current semester and pick up what would seem a complete waste of credits-- Jazz Dance.

One day is fine and next is black

After the decision to throw my almost-earned Associate's Degree in the gutter, I chose to spend this spring semester searching for universities to transfer to in the fall and focusing on my current extracurricular commitments which include:

  • Pathfinder Director
  • Dance Instructor
  • Programming Director (Summer Camp)
  • CrossFit
  • and of course some actual work for $$$monies$$

The indecision is bugging me

So far in my college search for next semester (I've only visited 2 campuses so far--3 in actuality but living minutes from one doesn't count) I've decided DEFINITELY NOT for one and I DON'T KNOW MAYBE-PROBABLY for the other. On one college trip some friends introduced me to this really adventurous bookstore where I picked up a blank book. In this blank book one page is dedicated to the pros and cons of perspective places of education I may or may not be learning at in the fall times. #1 on both lists of pros and cons is location. Of course thanks to The Clash I've come to the conclusion that the biggest question in my university search is: "Should I stay, or should I go now?"

If I go it will be trouble, if I stay it will be double.

I've discovered that I have nowhere I would specifically want to go. Not one major I really want to earn. I can see myself anywhere doing (almost) anything. For example I've applied to one university to study film, another to study health education, and another business!
So what now? How do I answer this very important question? I can see both pros and cons of in-state and out-of-state universities. I see how effective it would be for me to study here, also how distracting it would be as well. Knowing myself, as I've known myself these past 4 years working, schooling, and extra things have not gone well. I want it all! All of it! But while I can hold on to everything at once I can not dedicate my all to all of it. After realizing this about myself I can see how an out-of-state college would be a good choice. I could get away from my responsibilities and focus on my education for a bit. However, on the flip side, why would I want to run away from my responsibilities? Perhaps among all these extracurriculars lies my true calling. Maybe my education won't truly lead me to that one job. Maybe there isn't one job. What if college isn't for me?
Do you see my dilemma?

So you gotta let me know, should I stay or should I go?

As I end this blog-post I end with no answer. At least not yet. I know at some point it will come.
In the meantime, I'm going to have this song on replay.
Also, readers please feel free to comment/message me with advice and stories of your own education/job search experiences is VERY WELCOME and MUCH appreciated!

Signed ~a very confused, frustrated, yet hopeful student

p.s. here's the song for you all to listen to its what I'm feelin' right now guys!