An Open Letter to God on a SUNDAY in Octubre

Some days you just feel lost.

Some days you feel so numb no emotion can get to you.
Some days you could care less and would rather be a shell at the bottom of the ocean than the human begin you are walking, working, welding energy.

This is how I feel at this moment. Lost.

No matter that I have spent a meaningful weekend out in nature.

No matter that I have friends who seem to enjoy spending time with me.
No matter that this semester is halfway to completion.
No matter that the blessings keep pouring down.

Today I feel as useless as a throw pillow.

Staring at my room of disorganized items, I feel as displaced as a sweaty shoe or a musty towel.
I feel as replaceable as the trash bag liner that is currently holding an abundance of wasting away organic/inorganic materials.
And these words are nothing in comparison to the millions in this big bad world.

What if I quit?

What if I go on?
What if I live how I want to?

How do I want to live?

Prayers seem empty and meaningless.
Words over and over and over again to the open space I call God.

Perhaps the problem is me and I'm doing something wrong.
How can I fix it?
How do I change?
How do I find the meaning again?

I have lost it.

Give it back to me.

Big. Eternal. Open. Humble.
These things You are.
These things I think you are.

Pretty. Beautiful. Eloquent in speech.
These things I think You are.

I miss You.

I miss my vision of You.

In truth You continue to change in my view.
Everyday formed and reforming.
You get bigger and bigger.
And I get smaller and more confused.

The more I try to find You, I do. Never in the way I would expect.
I love it.

Keep surprising me.
My my mind ever be open to surprises.
May I never be limited in expectations of Your wonder.

May I continue to wonder as I wander.
Never from Your fold.
Yet if I am lost.
Help me find my way back to Your path.

Help me. For I am lost and wandering.