This day on that day...a flashback to Hamlet

Every so often I write in this journal that I started in 2009. 
Its not my first journal. I've been keeping one since my preteen years. However, this is probably the largets one to date spanning over six years and two months as of ten days ago!
I enjoy looking back on my memories and laughing at my naivete or wandering at my creativity and enjoying the little nuances of the penned actions. Below is a poem I wrote after watching an adaptation of the play Hamlet starring David Tennant (otherwise known as the Doctor on Doctor Who---oooo weeee ooooo!)

October 2010

Me thinks I scent the morning air
Afar, aloft the night
And bending o'er her sepulchered lair
In thieving circles tight
She tastes the breath and licks the tomb
In which my father lays
Then with her curling talons, sharp
Doth blighter him away
Alas I've lost my last dear friend
Afar I've felt the woe
Of heaven's angels crying tears
For sinners here below
Upon this earth we wander here
With several, little cares
Yet little do we think of death
And all its steamy airs
For she will come to steal us all
To blighter us away
And it may happen in a breath
Or second of the day
Beware this tale of recompense
Beware this tale I sow
For methinks I scent the morning air
A walking to and fro

--inspired by a line in the play Hamlet by you know who SHAKESPEARE

Way I Tend to Be or Not to Be?-Thoughts on a Tuesday

The Way I Tend to Be-Frank Turner (above video/song)

This describes the way I'm feeling right now.

Sitting here in my dorm room after two non-stop hours of finishing some Anatomy and Physiology homework that is not due for a week, cleaning my room, after finishing folding laundry that was washed on Friday, contemplating whether or not to exercise a bit at this evening hour.

I sit here thinking of the monotonous act of school, work, and homework. I sit here thinking back to when my bedroom was my sanctuary and how I would spend hours cleaning, reorganizing, watching movies, reading books, exercising, and taking part in hours long phone conversations in that precious space. I feel a bit as if I've hit the rewind button on my life and I'm back to that teenage girl who was hoarding up her adventures for the day when she would be ready to step outside into the big, bad world and live her dream. I feel as if I'm a battery recharging.

In a way I am disappointed in myself. In a way I feel trapped.

In a way I am proud of myself. In a way I am content.

Its back and forth.

However, right now the meter points more to the content side of things.

Whatever comes next on this journey I will do my best to treasure this stillness. This actively less busy life. I am a student now. Learning by absorbing and passing on information given to me. In time, I will use that information in my future career (fingers crossed) and I will be all the better student for studying other random bits of information that may seem completely unrelated (yeah).

Who knows? Perhaps this is a great time to practice my skills that I so quickly laid aside for "money making jobs." Videos, music, dance, and writing *wink, wink*. Maybe its time to go back to the basics. To what I enjoy.

For a while I've thought that in order to be a successful adult I must "buckle down" and get a "normal job." Yet, as I am on the brink of becoming that "normal adult" I am realizing how trapped I am feeling. I would rather do what I enjoy than be stable in a profession I dreaded to wake up to.

I am choosing this. 

The way I tend to be. I am letting my passions lead me. For I believe God has given us the desires of our heart for a reason. To honor Him. I am going to focus on trusting that He will make a way---NO--that He already has a way made for me to do what I love and am good at in a way that will help others and uplift His holy name.

No Worries! Yeah Right...

I am faithing.
No I am worrying!
Panicking even!

Why?

Bank issues...

I hate seeing numbers.
Red is probably the most hated color EVER!!!!!

As of now, I have 2 bank accounts.

Get ready for a rant.

Nebraska has no Bank of America.
And I did not even check before coming here!!!!! BLAHHGGG!

Then I went ahead and opened another account just like that.

At a bank that Virginia doesn't have!!!!!!!


What on earth was I thinking!?!!?!!!

Moving too fast girl. Moving too fast!

Now I've got to either close one, or keep them both up with monies. Monies I DON'T HAVE!

No worries girl. Faithing,

Sometimes though, you get yourself into trouble by not consulting the wisdom of others...

HELP!

I'm so mad at myself right now.
Bad Bluann! What were you thinking?

It will be alright. Yes. I know. But right now I'm really angry. Let me just embrace this emotion and then move on.

<THE END>

An Open Letter to God on a SUNDAY in Octubre

Some days you just feel lost.

Some days you feel so numb no emotion can get to you.
Some days you could care less and would rather be a shell at the bottom of the ocean than the human begin you are walking, working, welding energy.

This is how I feel at this moment. Lost.

No matter that I have spent a meaningful weekend out in nature.

No matter that I have friends who seem to enjoy spending time with me.
No matter that this semester is halfway to completion.
No matter that the blessings keep pouring down.

Today I feel as useless as a throw pillow.

Staring at my room of disorganized items, I feel as displaced as a sweaty shoe or a musty towel.
I feel as replaceable as the trash bag liner that is currently holding an abundance of wasting away organic/inorganic materials.
And these words are nothing in comparison to the millions in this big bad world.

What if I quit?

What if I go on?
What if I live how I want to?

How do I want to live?

Prayers seem empty and meaningless.
Words over and over and over again to the open space I call God.

Perhaps the problem is me and I'm doing something wrong.
How can I fix it?
How do I change?
How do I find the meaning again?

I have lost it.

Give it back to me.

Big. Eternal. Open. Humble.
These things You are.
These things I think you are.

Pretty. Beautiful. Eloquent in speech.
These things I think You are.

I miss You.

I miss my vision of You.

In truth You continue to change in my view.
Everyday formed and reforming.
You get bigger and bigger.
And I get smaller and more confused.

The more I try to find You, I do. Never in the way I would expect.
I love it.

Keep surprising me.
My my mind ever be open to surprises.
May I never be limited in expectations of Your wonder.

May I continue to wonder as I wander.
Never from Your fold.
Yet if I am lost.
Help me find my way back to Your path.

Help me. For I am lost and wandering.