Let's Go!

"I'll show you how to live." 

-I AM, I WAS, I WILL ALWAYS BE

It feels good when a decision you've been pondering over has finally been made.
It feels good.
It also feels good, not because the world around you suddenly exudes peace, but because you have a bit of that peace within you--and that's all you need.
It's all I need.
And it feels good.

Okay floaty intro over.
I'm deciding to end my time at Union College with the end of this semester.
And I'm deciding to share this decision/announcement with most of you via blog post because I'm just better at sharing my feelings and reason in written words rather than using the verbal ones.

WHY?

Why you ask? Why not finish the degree? Why not continue my schooling?
Well...

Because its finally a decision that I'm making for me. It's not that I was forced to come to Union. It's not that I haven't learned a lot in my time here. It's just that this decision to continue my education and "get a real job" was a thought fed to me continually in various interactions around me. Also, I am the biggest one to blame for the falsehood. Because I chose to believe the lie. The lie that my life was worth nothing if I didn't graduate college and get a "traditional" career-such as being a high school English teacher.

WHY?

Because he told me to blame it on him. And I won't entirely, but this is definitely a reason I'm leaving college. My boyfriend Robert. I swore I'd never be one of those girls to give up her education or career for a guy. And I'm still not one of those girls. However, I blame part of my reason for this decision on him because he definitely was the one who helped to encourage me to make a decision for reasons that weren't out of fear.

WHY?

Because I am continuing my schooling. Life is school. Time is learning. I don't end my education because I'm not paying tuition or living in a dorm. If anything, I feel that I've learned so much in my four years out of college than I have in my year and a half being away at college.

So to all my Unionites, I love you all. I have enjoyed being able to be a part of a school body. I have enjoyed learning what it means to live at school. Eat, breathe, work, and dream book-learning (no sarcasm here I actually enjoyed it all). I have learned what its like to be around hundreds of people your own age. It's been weird. It's been wonderful. It's been.

Thank you to my teachers, pastors, work supervisors out here in the mid-west. People I've danced with, laughed with. Thanks for showing me your Nebraska.
Okay I am still here until December the 14th so if you want to say goodbye in person I'll be around. Otherwise I'm excited and ready to head back home.

Back to ol' Virginie!
East coast here I come!

p.s. if you've read this far and haven't heard the song in the video above doom on you...lol not really but kinda!

So...let's make it official

One of the longer blog posts. But after being absent for several months you don't mind right? That's right all three of you who read this blog post--I'm looking at you guys.

Blue hues

Holmes lake on a Thursday night two weeks ago was gorgeous for the walker with her camera. A chilly yet comfortable 50 degrees, encouraged a sweater to be worn and then removed when the walking was fast enough to produce warmth. Pictures and videos of the scenery were taken which resulted in the following video. 

"Fire to Smoke" was a created project made in lieu of a research paper for my Biblical Literature class at Union College. Thanks to the help of my fellow students and friends, I was able to capture and interpret the moment of Moses' interaction with the bush in a way that I pictured it in my head. Floating and moving, a dancer becomes light as God's voice is heard calling Moses. The video is meant to be more of abstract moments. Imagine Moses at the end of his life on earth thinking back on that interaction which was the catalyst to the unfolding of events which we call the great Exodus out of Egypt.

It's been awhile...

It felt so rewarding to produce something that was an interpretive video featuring dance, narration, and music. The last project I had done similar to this one was probably five or six years ago for another college class. As I've been rethinking this entire education-to-become-a-high-school-english-teacher plan, videography is something I'm coming back to. 

Why videography?

     I first came across a High School Musical fan made video when YouTube was a baby back in 2006. When the new year began, I created my first YouTube account named "bluesalad" which was to become my nickname and brand name for this videography hobby turned career. From slideshows to actual music videos I began as a simple fan-vidder. Joining a community on YouTube helped me through those rough teenage years.
     When the real world was rejecting me, the online world embraced me. 9 years later (six YouTube accounts later), I'm in the process of editing two wedding videos, I've created over two hundred fan videos, videos for my church and youth-group, more than a dozen high school grad videos, and other extras here and there for the various friend groups and projects I've been a part of.
     Editing was my schooling for a good part of seven years and I've enjoyed trying to "perfect" the art. There is no such thing as perfection. Especially in editing. Things can always be better. And I love the challenge that is the editing game-a fight against time. You never are sure how much time you'll need on a specific project. Some projects take thirty minutes, others take 5-8 hours. Still others, need countless days to build up the courage to begin. Yet, this is why I love the art.
And the comments afterwards are worth those long hours staring at the screen. They are worth the repeated plays, memorized songs etc;
And I've realized. After 9 years, this is my life. I can't just put it away that simply. And so I'll continue.
In the world where everyone is a video editor I will push through and offer my skill set. 

So that's it for now folks!

I'm off to editing a few more projects here. I'm gonna try to push them out...then hopefully you'll see the results in the next month or so. 

My dream is to be able to make this into a steady business stream. Why? Because this is an art form and work I love to do. And it is something I find myself doing during college studies, during the times I should be working on something "more important" editing is still there. This is how I know its something that is not just a passing interest for me. It is something I have to do. So why not try to make the thing I have to do my job? Because it's already a job. 

So let's make it official.

A Way of Life

I think this is my first blog post about dance. Well here we go folks!
The above video and dance were made and choreographed by dancer Emilio who goes as IaMEmiliodosal on Youtube. His friend had been diagnosed with Lupus. 

       I had previously watched a similar choreographed piece on the show So You Think You Can Dance several years back and that was the one that stuck with me. However, this piece is so much more put together, as well as performed in such a beautiful outdoor environment it has replaced the other piece as my favorite. And done to this song Fix You by Coldplay that has always envoked such a feeling of longing--it is amazing what music and movement does when put together!
        I believe God works in mysterious ways as well as in obvious ones. When I attended my first dance class at age 12 in a friend's living room I would never have known how much I would love movement. Today, dance is a way of my life. After dancing with a Christian dance ministry, teaching and trying out several styles from Ballet and Lyrical to Hip Hop and Lindy-hop I am moving constantly to music. Whenever there is sound of melody and rhythm it is unusual if I am still.
        For someone like me who does not enjoy being candid with their emotions, dance is my outlet. It is how I can freely express my emotions and still feel safe. Dance is a way of life. I have introduced many friends and am grateful to the many others who have also evangelized their love of movement towards me.
        So to those who are afraid of movement, give it a try. To those who move, move MORE! Dance and dance and dance and dance until your feet are sore and your heart is full and your mind has shed all of its negative emotions. Dance to release. Dance not to impress but express!

Family pictures

Sending you love from the sunny island of Guam, 8 am and the chilly, landlocked state of Nebraska 3 pm.

Missing Roswena and Seth from this family pic. Maybe next time we can skype them in too!

#missmyfamily

This internet gathering did me good this Sabbath afternoon. I've been feeling really homesick these past few days. I know why. It is because I have been seeing and doing a lot of activities that remind me of my past. 

Last night, I had the opportunity to worship dance as Moses's mother in a drama based on the movie Prince of Egypt. It was a throwback to In His Steps performance Run Wild, Live Free, Love Strong of the Exodus story where I also danced as Moses's mommy. 

Missions Emphasis week came and went and all the while I have been thinking of going as a student missionary and getting the opportunity to maybe go to Guam and work with my family at the academy there.

Another skype call with childhood friends who are also away at college brings me back to good times.

Even friends here at school remind me of the ones I've left behind.

It is not that these times now aren't good. They are just different. And while I understand change is good and we must always move on, I finally understand why all the adults in my life always said, "Cherish these moments." 

Lately I have tried to experience every opportunity as rich and full as I can. Who knows what will change? God always brings us on new adventures. And while I can't wait for that new horizon, it's always bittersweet to shake the dust off your sandals and move on to those new opportunities. 

Now is good too.

Wednesday Wonderings

      We are so utterly ordinary, so commonplace, while we profess to know a Power the twentieth century does not reckon with. But we are “harmless,” and therefore unharmed. We are spiritual pacifists, non-militants, conscientious objectors in this battle-to-the-death with principalities and powers in high places. Meekness must be had for contact with men, but brass, outspoken boldness is required to take part in the comradeship of the Cross. We are “sideliners” — coaching and criticizing the real wrestlers while content to sit by and leave the enemies of God unchallenged. The world cannot hate us, we are too much like its own. Oh that God would make us dangerous.

 -Jim Elliot

The Case of the Missing Transcript...and Other Miracles

I want to move on. On to other worries and stresses.

I will not forget

Today God worked a miracle.

I will not forget

After finishing a movie on the power and fight of prayer I opened my mailbox and pulled out my missing transcript. Smiling I walk up the stairs to my dorm room.

I will not forget

Yesterday an email: "You will be dropped from your classes and asked to leave for this semester if you do not complete registration by tomorrow at 5 pm."

An uplifting call from a friend, no, a sister.

I will not forget

Going to bed with worries. But worries that were given away. 
Waking up to a new day. Fresh, with no mistakes.
I strive to enjoy not endure my first class.

I will not forget

I long to be bold as the first Christians were. Confident in my Lord who WILL come to the rescue. Unafraid of what will come. Knowing He will pull me through, I exit the classroom. My phone rings.

I check my email

"I've checked 'Transcript' off your registry clearance checklist..."
Praise God. 1 done, 1 to go.

I will not forget

"Funds have been received..."

I will not forget

Celebration. God is good. Of course He was! Of course He is! This is no little thing! 

I will not forget

Last week He prepared me. The story of Jacob wrestling with God. That was me.
A heart to heart with a total stranger about the giver of lies and the ungodliness of being self-sufficient. 2 times this past week hearing the same thing: test everything to God for truth. 

I will not forget

Ask Him, "What is my testimony?"

I will not forget

My prayer is and was: This life is yours. Your education. This is Your education. You called me here. You will provide for me. That is the promise. 

I will remember

This life is a gift. Each day is a gift. Let's not take ANYTHING for granted!!!!!

Also, thanks to Sean for giving me this really cool gift featured in this fancy picture! Thanks Sean!

When you think all you're getting is crap. STOP and look back

I returned to my dorm room unimpressed and readily depressed upon the thought of beginning a new semester of studies. Cleaning, unpacking, and untangling what I had brought and left behind, I began and ended a chat with a good friend. She is mostly an opposite. Always a story, always living in amazement of life, and always ready to share. Thanking God for our friendship I pressed the red button and returned to my room. I was cleaning out. The box was already full with "give-aways" and yet I knew I was merely making a mark. I had asked her to guess what I was doing. "Unpacking and listening to Jana Kramer," was the guess. One of them was correct. "I am also cleaning out and making a pile of things to give away in case I can't pay for this semester and have to leave in a hurry." 

Cleaning out a sandy bag, from one of my last visits to the Atlantic, I stood over the trash bin shaking out bits of paper, old hair scrunchies, and bent bobby pins.

I pulled the bill out.

Falling to my knees I prayed, rejoiced, thanked, asked for forgiveness for my unbelief.

After all He's done: 

1) Saved me the $100 fee for late registration by completing requirements at the beginning of the fall semester.

2) Scholarships came through, financial aid

3) Generous friends and church family

4) Letters and boxes of support

5) I prayed and He gave me my request of a worship dance group

6) I prayed and He gave me friends and family

7) Opportunities, upon opportunities

8) Reunions, unexpected and long awaited

9) Freedom to choose to doubt Him


"No, we do not need gas money."

"Would you like a place to stay tonight?"

"Here is a little something to help with school."

"I have a question for you..."

And the blessings continue to rain down. 

Lord, keep making me by breaking me. May I be Your servant. I am excited to continue on this journey with you as we start this new semester, this new year. Use me, Lord!

~BlueSalad~

Creativity, Why We Do It!

One of the lessons that I learned this past semester was that I am creative.

For years I've been told I was talented. Musical, artistic, a natural born leader, yeah yeah... Well, I did not realize how much I would miss using my creativity until I became a full-time student at college!

Last night, I did a song cover session with my friend Kay! Here's one of our videos. I feel it is appropriate for the start of a new year. Because we're all on this crazy merry go round ride together!

p.s. if you want to see other ways I enjoy to create other than this blog, visit my youtube pages!

For song covers with my bff --->     BlueKaysings

When I made fan videos --->   bluesalad

Vlogs --->   BSmeansBlueSalad

I edit videos --->  BlueSaladProductions

Enjoy and don't take your creative power for granted y'all.

~BlueSalad~

Hello? - Thoughts from my first Thanksgiving in Nebraska

I sit here typing. The sounds of the beginning scene of Adele's music video for her song "Hello" play behind this current blog window. Today was Thanksgiving. My first Thanksgiving away from my family. This was definitely a defining day.

8 am

Woke up

Grabbed supplies (blanket, socks, computer, phone)

Went to the basement to watch the 89th Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

10 am

Went upstairs to eat some of the breakfast I had packed last night for the dorms

Bagel, Vegetables cream cheese (now my favorite type of cream cheese), orange juice, two pastries, golden grahams cereal, almond milk (yes it was ALOT!)

Still watching the parade

11 am

Talked to Keanna (other half of Blue & Kay-find us on facebook!)

Called RoSeth (my sister and her fiancee's couple name isn't it cute?)

Bounced on a Pilates ball

12 pm

Borrowed two knives (two of the sharpest the dorm could offer-thanks to Jessica!)

Cracked open a coconut

1 pm

Still working on cracking open that coconut

Made keleguin with that young coconut

Thanks Mommy for the recipe!

Got ready to walk in the freezing rain

2 pm

Arrived at a friend's house for Thanksgiving Meal 

Ate

This is the keleguin! All it was missing was some red rice and turkey. 

3 pm

Still eating

4 pm

Watching Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving

Played a bit of Taboo

5 pm  Lazed about on the couch with these lovelies!

6 pm

More lazing and instagramming and pinteresting and facebooking

7 pm

Games and socialization with more students here during break

8 pm

Awkward arguments

Finally played an almost-complete game of Monopoly (Right that never happens!)

It was getting too real so we ended it

9 pm

Walk back to the dorm 

Trying not to slip on the newly fallen dusting of snow

Realizing this was the first time I'd seen snow on Thanksgiving

End of story. Nebraska is very different from Virginia. In good ways and bad. I miss the east coast so much and my friends back there. But its time for me to adult. Not that "adulting" is leaving one's home, but for me that is "adulting." A temporary separation from all I've ever known is what I need. A step back from everything. Its time to chase after a different dream. A dream that I have chosen for myself and one that I know I can achieve. 

Thank you Virginia for the memories. Nebraska thanks for the cold welcome, but welcome nonetheless.

This day on that day...a flashback to Hamlet

Every so often I write in this journal that I started in 2009. 
Its not my first journal. I've been keeping one since my preteen years. However, this is probably the largets one to date spanning over six years and two months as of ten days ago!
I enjoy looking back on my memories and laughing at my naivete or wandering at my creativity and enjoying the little nuances of the penned actions. Below is a poem I wrote after watching an adaptation of the play Hamlet starring David Tennant (otherwise known as the Doctor on Doctor Who---oooo weeee ooooo!)

October 2010

Me thinks I scent the morning air
Afar, aloft the night
And bending o'er her sepulchered lair
In thieving circles tight
She tastes the breath and licks the tomb
In which my father lays
Then with her curling talons, sharp
Doth blighter him away
Alas I've lost my last dear friend
Afar I've felt the woe
Of heaven's angels crying tears
For sinners here below
Upon this earth we wander here
With several, little cares
Yet little do we think of death
And all its steamy airs
For she will come to steal us all
To blighter us away
And it may happen in a breath
Or second of the day
Beware this tale of recompense
Beware this tale I sow
For methinks I scent the morning air
A walking to and fro

--inspired by a line in the play Hamlet by you know who SHAKESPEARE

Way I Tend to Be or Not to Be?-Thoughts on a Tuesday

The Way I Tend to Be-Frank Turner (above video/song)

This describes the way I'm feeling right now.

Sitting here in my dorm room after two non-stop hours of finishing some Anatomy and Physiology homework that is not due for a week, cleaning my room, after finishing folding laundry that was washed on Friday, contemplating whether or not to exercise a bit at this evening hour.

I sit here thinking of the monotonous act of school, work, and homework. I sit here thinking back to when my bedroom was my sanctuary and how I would spend hours cleaning, reorganizing, watching movies, reading books, exercising, and taking part in hours long phone conversations in that precious space. I feel a bit as if I've hit the rewind button on my life and I'm back to that teenage girl who was hoarding up her adventures for the day when she would be ready to step outside into the big, bad world and live her dream. I feel as if I'm a battery recharging.

In a way I am disappointed in myself. In a way I feel trapped.

In a way I am proud of myself. In a way I am content.

Its back and forth.

However, right now the meter points more to the content side of things.

Whatever comes next on this journey I will do my best to treasure this stillness. This actively less busy life. I am a student now. Learning by absorbing and passing on information given to me. In time, I will use that information in my future career (fingers crossed) and I will be all the better student for studying other random bits of information that may seem completely unrelated (yeah).

Who knows? Perhaps this is a great time to practice my skills that I so quickly laid aside for "money making jobs." Videos, music, dance, and writing *wink, wink*. Maybe its time to go back to the basics. To what I enjoy.

For a while I've thought that in order to be a successful adult I must "buckle down" and get a "normal job." Yet, as I am on the brink of becoming that "normal adult" I am realizing how trapped I am feeling. I would rather do what I enjoy than be stable in a profession I dreaded to wake up to.

I am choosing this. 

The way I tend to be. I am letting my passions lead me. For I believe God has given us the desires of our heart for a reason. To honor Him. I am going to focus on trusting that He will make a way---NO--that He already has a way made for me to do what I love and am good at in a way that will help others and uplift His holy name.

No Worries! Yeah Right...

I am faithing.
No I am worrying!
Panicking even!

Why?

Bank issues...

I hate seeing numbers.
Red is probably the most hated color EVER!!!!!

As of now, I have 2 bank accounts.

Get ready for a rant.

Nebraska has no Bank of America.
And I did not even check before coming here!!!!! BLAHHGGG!

Then I went ahead and opened another account just like that.

At a bank that Virginia doesn't have!!!!!!!


What on earth was I thinking!?!!?!!!

Moving too fast girl. Moving too fast!

Now I've got to either close one, or keep them both up with monies. Monies I DON'T HAVE!

No worries girl. Faithing,

Sometimes though, you get yourself into trouble by not consulting the wisdom of others...

HELP!

I'm so mad at myself right now.
Bad Bluann! What were you thinking?

It will be alright. Yes. I know. But right now I'm really angry. Let me just embrace this emotion and then move on.

<THE END>

An Open Letter to God on a SUNDAY in Octubre

Some days you just feel lost.

Some days you feel so numb no emotion can get to you.
Some days you could care less and would rather be a shell at the bottom of the ocean than the human begin you are walking, working, welding energy.

This is how I feel at this moment. Lost.

No matter that I have spent a meaningful weekend out in nature.

No matter that I have friends who seem to enjoy spending time with me.
No matter that this semester is halfway to completion.
No matter that the blessings keep pouring down.

Today I feel as useless as a throw pillow.

Staring at my room of disorganized items, I feel as displaced as a sweaty shoe or a musty towel.
I feel as replaceable as the trash bag liner that is currently holding an abundance of wasting away organic/inorganic materials.
And these words are nothing in comparison to the millions in this big bad world.

What if I quit?

What if I go on?
What if I live how I want to?

How do I want to live?

Prayers seem empty and meaningless.
Words over and over and over again to the open space I call God.

Perhaps the problem is me and I'm doing something wrong.
How can I fix it?
How do I change?
How do I find the meaning again?

I have lost it.

Give it back to me.

Big. Eternal. Open. Humble.
These things You are.
These things I think you are.

Pretty. Beautiful. Eloquent in speech.
These things I think You are.

I miss You.

I miss my vision of You.

In truth You continue to change in my view.
Everyday formed and reforming.
You get bigger and bigger.
And I get smaller and more confused.

The more I try to find You, I do. Never in the way I would expect.
I love it.

Keep surprising me.
My my mind ever be open to surprises.
May I never be limited in expectations of Your wonder.

May I continue to wonder as I wander.
Never from Your fold.
Yet if I am lost.
Help me find my way back to Your path.

Help me. For I am lost and wandering.

"Faithing"

God provides.

About a month ago I was wondering whether I would have enough funds to continue college. This is when I decided. To give it ALL to Him! I would no longer worry over finances. Although with my first payment my bank account was cleared out-cobwebs of pennies included-I knew He would give my enough because it was His will that I be here.

During that first week, spent on my knees laying myself down in front of His presence, I heard this song and it was my answer.

"I will stay!"

"Who lifts the poor and heals the blind? Who trampled death for all mankind? Who stands for all with arms stretched wide? My king forever, Jesus Christ."

• Quarters appearing for laundry
• Money prize won in a Karaoke contest
• A check from a generous church member

This is how awesome my God is! He not only cares for the poor and the dying but also the needs of a college student. My God is an Awesome God!

No matter what my plans are, His are always greater. I am so grateful we are not able to see the future. Because we would have too many problems as humans trying to make our own way possible. We do that enough now with our blind eyes! God's will be done. That is the best way.

Speaking with a new friend Thursday night, I shared my story and my "faithing."
I don't know where the next payment is coming from. I am not secure in my own right. Yet, I am secure knowing He's got me. And if He's got me then of course that is where I should want to be! His security means more than this world.

Faithing. It means doing. It means trusting. It means believing. It means showing and telling your story. It is not feebleness. It is not hiding. It is not fear.

Stay and wait.

Pray in confidence. Pray without ceasing. For He will provide your daily needs. Daily needs. So focus on what God is doing for you today. Don't worry about tomorrow. He's got you.

Saturday morning ramblings

It is well. For through it all, through it all my eyes are on you. And through it all, through it all it is well with me.

This song. This life. This God.
Sitting here on a sleeping bag in an unfamiliar dorm room, sleeping stranger in a bed next to me.
Tan colored light begins to turn yellow through closed blinds to my left.
Nothing is a coincidence.
An hour of change causes a week of difference.
Mourning these past days with a smiling face.
Hearing of how we must get past these four walls and the reason we are stagnate is because we are closed in. We are trapped.
Passive. Complacent. Boring. Words I hate yet I am sometimes.
I must not be content with who I am at this moment for I can be better.
Yet I must rest in knowing that He will change me if I let Him into my heart.
One song heard two times thus far speaking of how much our father loves us.
The first, a last minute performance at an open mic, the second, during a concert.
Listen He says. Or is that my voice?
Trying to decipher whose is whose and of course crush the third.
For He is great and is coming soon but who knows this?
Am I sharing? Am I caring? Will this place help me grow or shrink?
Should I stay or should I go?
Questions tire me I am ready to serve. Here I am Lord send me.
Send me where?
Anywhere I cry in desperation. Just let me do something. I need to move.
You are moving.
In circles I feel like.
But those circles wander in and out so they are more like spirals. And in those spirals you cover ground. Maybe more than once or twice but you do my work.
You help me do mine. You give me my wants. You cover my mistakes. Two times already in the past two days you've done this.
I do not deserve Your grace.
Nothing is a coincidence. No such thing as luck.
I believe.
Lord take me, send me, but a more painful prayer is Lord keep me where I am.
If that is what you want...
No more dots
Thy will be done in all things
COME LORD JESUS

I called myself Pip

My father’s family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip.

My mother's name is Bertha Lois Ulloa Saladier, my father's name is Domingko Diofil Saladier. My mother named me from a mixture of her initials "BLU" and her mother's name "ANN" making "Bluann." This is the name that was given to me.
As a firstborn child I am sure my parents had great expectations for their offspring. Perhaps they would have no more children? Then I would be it and it had better be good. Luckily for me, I did not have the entire responsibility of being my parents' only child, three others came from them. Each one of my sisters have names given to them: Roswena, Cassilabelle, Selencia. Each name is unique as is each sister. What is in a name?

Close your eyes. Now I want you to say in a voice only you can hear. Say your name.

Tonight I watched the film "Mr. Pip." Being one of the "Recently Added" films to the Netflix collection I thought that I had better put my $7 (and some cents) to use. No regrets.

The Queen of Sheba and crabs in the sand

Now to all of you out there this film is rated PG-13 for a reason: violence, highly dramatic (traumatic themes set in war times), language etc; However, I am almost glad it is a PG-13 film because a story like this is hard to tell without a level of graphic-ness (excuse me as I make up words and use silly little dashes to make sense of it all...). I thought that this film was very well done. I enjoyed the heavy thematic score, beautiful islands scenes, and clever script based off a book which is based off real events which are drawn from an even older novel "Great Expectations. As I am a reader of many a 19th century novel, I always enjoy a good movie that portray reading as the adventure that it is. But this film proved a point that, as the official tagline goes, "Fiction can be dangerous in times of war."

SPOILER ALERT
As the only remaining white on the island, Mr. Watts is an oddity. Being seen as an educated man, he is recruited as a teacher for the island kids. Mr. Watts is no teacher, he has no child and spends his days caring for his wife who seems to be stuck in the past, a zombie for all purposes, Mr. Watts, or Popeye as they like to call him, begins to read the children "Great Expectations." One of the students, Matilda, closely relates to the hero "Pip" and imagines herself in the story right alongside him. As kids are, many imaginations run wild especially the first day when Mr. Watts tells the children he wants to introduce them to a Mr. Dickents. The next day all hands rise and the students begin asking their teacher where this other white man is and if he can give them some items on their parents wish lists. As the students continue to hear the story and learn more about this imaginary character, some parents become concerned. Pip truly becomes a being. So much so that when a militia leader arrives, the locals are asked to bring forth this "Pip." La di da di da....things happen and I don't want to spoil you all too much because I know you're still reading even though this paragraph was titled with SPOILER ALERT.

"What's it like to be white?" ask the children of their teacher Mr. Watts. "I usually only notice it when I'm surrounded by blacks." Mr. Watts replies. "What's it like being black?"

This particular point in the movie was one that made me think. And I greatly enjoy films, books, and music that makes me do just that. Think just a little bit harder about what may seem to be the most basic and simple things in life. Black and White. Or Brown. Being an "islander" myself I don't fit into black or white but both and neither. Hispanic is not really my thing either and asian is still a bit far off so I've always been on the outside of these racial cliques or in all of them. So the answer is true for me. I frequently feel "white" among "blacks" and then "black" among "whites." Its a very interesting situation I think and I like it.

Take my life.

Family is the base and footing of societies. We cannot be without families. Children are raised, communities are formed around this social clump of beings. And with the dramatic decline of a family structure so goes a great nation. A great country is not made up of strong individuals, it is made up of weak and imperfect families who realize they need more, are worth more, and are able to work towards more together as a unit.

Matilda is told in the latter part of the film that Mr. Watts was no brave man. She hastily disagrees. For what she saw of him he was always the gentleman and the last time she saw him he was the bravest man on earth. Whatever Mr. Watts was in his past life he no longer was in his new one. I think this is true of us all changed individuals. Once we go past a certain point there is no turning back. We are no longer the person we are before. We are constantly being changed and molded. We are able to chew over how our environment changes us and how circumstances leave us but life happens and we all end up different then how we predict.

Great expectations.

Yesterday I spent a good twenty minutes talking (more like listening) to two of my extended family members give advice on how life is. One snippet that has stuck to me all day today and has been repeated over and over in my mind since she said it is, "God will always put you where you need to be. I know there are places we've moved because we needed to meet certain people and everything readies you for the next step. Just know that if you're running around in circles and God needs you to be somewhere, that's where you'll end up. Sometimes He lets you take that short cut, detour, or round about adventure. He takes you left to go right. God lets us explore that side of us to get it out of our system because if we had never gone left we would have never known and it would have haunted us to eternity. God knows. He lets us explore. But if you're seeking you will find."

Mathew 6:33

Seek. Be a finder. Don't give up, never give up.

As I end this post that is a seemingly jumbled mess of a movie review, name game, and theological musing, I say my name to myself. That is one thing that no one can ever take from you. For there is no one in the world with your voice that can say your name. Bluann.

Come on and let me know...

Should I stay or should I go now?

I read an article this past week titled, "Why You Need to Fail" by Taylor Turner on a blog I follow Inside Out Magazine. Read the post and see for yourself why I liked it. It called to me because it was brutally honest. The type of honest one needs when one, who has continued to lie to oneself over and over again that "everything is fine" until everything is not fine, desperately wants and needs to hear. Also, perhaps I enjoyed this article because I could identify with it personally; especially concerning failures from last semester. One big "F"ailure comes to mind, concerning a certain class which led to a last minute decision to cancel all classes for my current semester and pick up what would seem a complete waste of credits-- Jazz Dance.

One day is fine and next is black

After the decision to throw my almost-earned Associate's Degree in the gutter, I chose to spend this spring semester searching for universities to transfer to in the fall and focusing on my current extracurricular commitments which include:

• Pathfinder Director
• Dance Instructor
• Programming Director (Summer Camp)
• CrossFit
• and of course some actual work for $$$monies$$

The indecision is bugging me

So far in my college search for next semester (I've only visited 2 campuses so far--3 in actuality but living minutes from one doesn't count) I've decided DEFINITELY NOT for one and I DON'T KNOW MAYBE-PROBABLY for the other. On one college trip some friends introduced me to this really adventurous bookstore where I picked up a blank book. In this blank book one page is dedicated to the pros and cons of perspective places of education I may or may not be learning at in the fall times. #1 on both lists of pros and cons is location. Of course thanks to The Clash I've come to the conclusion that the biggest question in my university search is: "Should I stay, or should I go now?"

If I go it will be trouble, if I stay it will be double.

I've discovered that I have nowhere I would specifically want to go. Not one major I really want to earn. I can see myself anywhere doing (almost) anything. For example I've applied to one university to study film, another to study health education, and another business!
So what now? How do I answer this very important question? I can see both pros and cons of in-state and out-of-state universities. I see how effective it would be for me to study here, also how distracting it would be as well. Knowing myself, as I've known myself these past 4 years working, schooling, and extra things have not gone well. I want it all! All of it! But while I can hold on to everything at once I can not dedicate my all to all of it. After realizing this about myself I can see how an out-of-state college would be a good choice. I could get away from my responsibilities and focus on my education for a bit. However, on the flip side, why would I want to run away from my responsibilities? Perhaps among all these extracurriculars lies my true calling. Maybe my education won't truly lead me to that one job. Maybe there isn't one job. What if college isn't for me?
Do you see my dilemma?

So you gotta let me know, should I stay or should I go?

As I end this blog-post I end with no answer. At least not yet. I know at some point it will come.
In the meantime, I'm going to have this song on replay.
Also, readers please feel free to comment/message me with advice and stories of your own education/job search experiences is VERY WELCOME and MUCH appreciated!

Signed ~a very confused, frustrated, yet hopeful student

p.s. here's the song for you all to listen to its what I'm feelin' right now guys!

Laughter amidst the noise

Another morning spent at a cafe. I am working on---STOP EMAILING ME!!!!! pops up ding Ding on my notifications. I quickly delete the unhappy recipient from my contacts list and continue on to writing/typing and of course the very important business of trying to stay awake while sitting cross legged at a very warm cafe with one leg falling asleep.

I have been driving a lot this week. All the way to Gloucester and back two times in one week. I've also gotten paid so the only natural thing to do would be spend it all on food! I cleaned my room, mostly my drawers. I have been told that the condition of your room reflects onto your life. I believe that is true. Not only of your room but your appearance, your studies...speaking of studies...

I took two no three tests this week! Two in espanol and one in biology. Surprisingly, or perhaps sadly since starting community college I have become more unmotivated in my studies. I no longer am doing my best, studying my hardest for the tests. I feel like I am learning despite this. Although, I no longer cram like crazy for a test, I do my best in class to understand the material. All of my time outside of class is devoted to other activities. "Other activities" And because of this lack of motivation and laziness I am calling it, I have decided to scold myself starting NOW and begin doing better!
I have it in me! I know how to study! I can dedicate more of my time to actually studying the material out of class, at---home. I can do this.

In times like these I wish I was taking an English class. I like thinking abstractly and I miss the reflection that an English class brings. Spanish and Biology has been very eye opening in a different way. I am actually learning really interesting information that will help me. However, some of it is so tangible I long for the fluffiness and clouds rather than the hard, rock earth I've been given.
I miss writing papers. I enjoy the writing process.

"What are you studying towards in school?" asks my general manager. "Business." This is what I want to do. Manage. Plan. Create. Direct. A year ago I wanted to edit videos. Before that it was teaching. I am teaching and I am editing videos. I am directing and managing in several places. I feel like it would be a great challenge to become a shift manager at work, study more about numbers, and business in general.
Yes. Management. Business.
AND

Right now this is laughter amidst the noise.

Un corazon para Dios

A heart for God.

I am sitting here in Aromas, a quaint cafe in the middle of the William and Mary campus in my hometown Williamsburg, Virginia. It is snowing off and on big snowy flakes. Esta nevando. In front of me is an unfinished bowl of oatmeal whose caramelized banana was devoured instantly and a medium, I mean small but these cups always confuse me because they are more of a medium to me than a small.

After hitting his head on the thick wooden board that is my table, a student successfully stands and returns to his now charging electronic device. Flashback to the Avengers movie where Captain America is asked by Iron Man to report on the status of one of the engines, after a glance at the bright flashing lights he reports, "It seems to run on some type of electricity." That would be my reply exactly.

I have finished one of fifty homework assignments por classe de espanol. During my writing and conjugating, I have taken constant breaks to listen in on the conversation of my neighbors. Two ladies converse on spiritual topics over bagels and coffee. As I considered my decision of thick oatmeal over lighter fruit or the creamy cheese that would accompany a thick bagel, I heard the phrase, a heart for God.

The women continue to speak of David and compare him to another biblical character. Righteousness and what that entailed for the Savior and the sinners. Faith, bible study, church attendance. And now as I listen carefully they are speaking of a theologian.

"He is the only seventh-day adventist who is also a Catholic bishop." Mr. Jay tells of stories from his younger years this past Saturday at the Berryman house. I am always interested in stories, narratives. How a person got here from where. What could have possibly made a person who they are at this moment. The scraps and pieces that contribute to who they are. Who are they? As I listened then to a couple who I have known for almost my whole life, I am in awe of their faith, their strength, loyalty and I wonder how it is possible for people like them to have been young at one time.

One the women talk. Computers open, across the cafe sits a guy I always see in here. Hat, beard, jacket, always orders a simple cup of self served coffee and then opens up his nook and reads. He stares now and our eyes have caught for a moment, looked away and caught. He scratches his beard, strokes the hairs and stops. I feel like a creeper as I continue to stare while typing. Smoothing, pulling. His hand over his beard moves again.

What is the point of this time in my life? Lately I have been asking myself this question over and over. I hope one day to awake to my once motivated and excited self. What happened to the teenager, young girl who jumped at any opportunity she could get to serve, help, do more, try more? Witness more? I now no longer have that feeling of urgency. I have relaxed. Have I mellowed out? Or is this just a stop pit as I wait for the next chapter to start? Wait for the next chapter to start...that is an misleading statement I think. In a book you do not come across blank sets of pages between chapters. This is where the waiting for the next chapter to start occurs. Or not. Because this is not so. In life the book continues. Reader or not. The movie keeps playing there is no intermission.

Awkward moment as gray haired, glassed face meets eyes with me as I look away I feel him continue to stare. "Do you want your receipt?" I miss that statement as the girl at the register speaks to a customer. I think of the water, food, and grease I will encounter this evening a work. The spanish I will attempt to speak at noon and the old friends I may encounter on the steps in half an hour.

I look over to who I believe is the father of a young girl who dances at In His Steps studying dilligently at his computer, book, which I would like to imagine as a bible, open in front of him. I feel impressed to leave.

rigthbrainedbeauty saw your photo. Thank you instagram.

rightbrainedbeauty commented on your photo.

"That looks glorious."

White bowl of oatmeal, not too sugary not too bland, cranberries, and caramelized brown sugar atop a half sliced banana.

Why Teach? why learn?

Sitting in a coffee shop listening to both the music exiting the speakers of my blue headphones as me and my blue CrossFit shirt are surrounded by the chatter and Christmas music courtesy of James Taylor and fellow coffee shop sitters.
I will ignore the fact I have't been on here in near a year and continue to tell the emptiness that I am reading a book. The book "Why Teach?" is by Mark Edmunson. What I know so far about him is that he teaches at UVA. So many truths so far to his book that I am swimming in my brain that is drowning due to these ideas that I myself have been telling myself and chewing over for months, years, ever since my first semester at community college. My new facebook status (because of course when we discover something new and idealogical it must be etched into the stony crevice of our book of faces line of time), is from the book,

"Students worry that taking too many chances with their education will sabotage their future prospects...There's a sentiment currently afoot that if you step aside for a moment to write, to travel, to fall too hard in love, you might lose position permanently."

The above idea plus the hypothesis that most students are mindless creatures who live in a constant environment of activity and drama yet themselves are so unenthusiastic and have nothing to say in response to pieces of literaure except for, "I enjoyed it."
Enjoyment. Students today seem to think that education is for their enjoyment and if pleasure is not derived from the act of learning and studying then it surely is not profitable. After all if it hurts why do it? Mark mentions this attitude of "learning" has been due to most parents discouraging honesty and criticism from teachers because children must always be flattered and never must a hurtful word enter the mix.
People have forgotten that the reason we seek education is because of our present ignorance.
Smart doesn't come from smart already.
So as a present student and teacher and continuous seeker of education and opportunities to learn, I will seek for Teachers (as I have been) who don't flatter students, I will be honest with them and while I'm still afraid of raising my hand or speaking I will still face that discomfort and share. Learn. Get embarrassed and try to get used to being such.